Love in the Time of Tiny Font
Dear Curious Christie and Ms. Resilient,
“Please help! I asked my crush to recommend a book. I was thinking it would be something fun we could talk about, maybe even flirt over. You know, some shared literary chemistry.
Instead, they handed me a 700-page philosophical tome with a tiny font, no chapter breaks, and a preface that reads like a dissertation. I’ve tried. I really have. I’ve read the same two paragraphs five times and still couldn’t tell you what the book is about, let alone why it has footnotes for its footnotes.
Now I’m spiraling. Do I force myself through it to impress them? Do I confess that it’s not my vibe and risk looking shallow? Or… is ghosting justified when the only spark between us is from my brain short-circuiting on page 14?
Please advise—preferably in fewer than 700 pages.”
~ Flirting, Not Footnotes
Dear Flirting, Not Footnotes,
Full disclosure: I am not a fan of pretending to be someone you’re not when dating. Ask my 21-year-old self who once professed she loved mountain climbing just to impress a guy. Cut to me halfway up a cliff in borrowed hiking boots, wondering how I got roped into a relationship with someone—and a sport—I didn’t actually like. Lesson learned: authenticity saves time, blisters, and awkward breakups at high altitudes.
So, bless you for even trying to wade through the philosophical swamp your crush handed you. That’s commitment. You were hoping for banter over a breezy beach read, and instead you got “Please see Appendix C for the definition of existence.” No wonder your brain is waving the white flag.
You need to remember that while attraction is fun, compatibility is key—and that includes your shared pace of play. If their idea of connection is a 700-page deep dive into existential theory and yours is more, “Let’s giggle over a rom-com and a glass of wine,” that’s worth noticing. Not judging. Just noticing.
Also, let’s talk about ghosting. Is it technically allowed for self-preservation? Sure. But if this person was kind, and you were hoping for more than a one-time flirtation, honesty is the more resilient road. You don’t have to roast the book (tempting though it is). You can simply say, “Wow, that one was a bit dense for me. I was hoping for something lighter to connect over. Got any Netflix recommendations?”
Because if you can’t be honest about a book, how will you be honest about your heart? Or your needs? Or the fact that footnotes stress you out?
And if they scoff or pull the “you just don’t get it” card? That tells you more than the book ever could.
With a soft spot for Cliff Notes,
Curious Christie
Ms. Resilient offers her perspective using Dovetail Learning’s approach:
Dear Flirting, Not Footnotes,
Christie’s response sparkled with humor, honesty, and heart—and also invited the Resilient Mindset of Curiosity.
Curiosity is a resilient mindset that helps us stay open when we’re tempted to shut down. You could have gotten stuck in judgment (of yourself or your crush), or retreated into avoiding (which, let’s be honest, would’ve been understandable somewhere around page 14). But instead, you’re asking questions—not just about the book, but about what compatibility looks like, what honesty sounds like, and how to stay connected without contorting yourself to impress someone.
That’s Curiosity at work: wondering. It helps us shift from “What’s wrong with me that I don’t get this?” to “What does this teach me about what I want, need, and enjoy?” It nudges us to see the moment not as a failure, but as an invitation—to know ourselves more deeply and relate to others more honestly.
You didn’t fail the book. You noticed your reaction, asked real questions, and stayed open to growth. The next step could be to use Curiosity in your conversation with your crush. “To be honest, I had trouble getting into that book. Can you tell me what you love about it?” It’s inviting the person to talk about what lights them up. It’s okay to have different interests from your crush— it can make life more interesting. But how they talk about their passions can tell you whether those passions might be something that you‘d love from the sidelines or would be a turn-off whenever they appear. Curiosity welcomes us to the joy of learning more about ourselves and others—and builds resilience!
With wonder and a wink,
Ms. Resilient
What advice do you have for Flirting, Not Footnotes? Share in the comments or send to ms@dovetaillearning.org and we may feature your answer in a future column.
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