Dear Curious Christie and Ms. Resilient,
My husband and I have two young kids, ages 5 and 1, and I have a very real, very unglamorous question: how are parents supposed to be intimate when the kids are always there?
I’m still very attracted to my husband. That is not the problem. The problem is logistics, exhaustion, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and the fact that our 1-year-old still wants me right next to them when they wake up. Our 5-year-old is also still in the mix at night, so privacy feels like a mythical creature from a land before children.
I miss feeling like a couple, not just two tired adults passing snacks, wipes, and emotional support back and forth like we’re in a very tiny hostage negotiation. I don’t want intimacy to disappear from our marriage, but I also don’t want to force something when I’m tapped out, tired, and needed constantly.
How do we make space for intimacy in this season without feeling guilty, pressured, or like we need to overhaul our whole family sleep situation overnight?
~Still Into Him, Just Very Tired
Dear Still Into Him,
As someone on the other side of this stage of parenting, can I just say, bless you for naming the very unglamorous truth of this season: marriage with small children can feel less like romance and more like two exhausted coworkers running a 24-hour snack-and-body-fluid startup.
And yet, you still want him. That matters. The connection is not gone. It is just buried under breastfeeding, co-sleeping, broken sleep, and tiny humans who have absolutely no respect for mood lighting.
So no, you do not need to overhaul your whole family sleep situation overnight, and you do not need to force intimacy when your body and brain are tapped out. What you do need is honest, tender communication.
Not “Why don’t we ever have sex?” but “I miss us. I want to feel close to you, and I’m also really tired. Can we talk about how to stay connected in this season without either of us feeling pressured?” That distinction matters. Pressure shuts people down. An invitation keeps the door open.
This stage of life needs room for a lot of grace. Your intimacy may look different for a while. It may be smaller, sillier, less predictable, and more interrupted than you wish. But connection can still be protected through honesty, warmth, humor, and remembering that you are not just co-managers of the family circus. You are two people who chose each other.
Start there. Not with a perfect plan, but with a clear conversation and a little room for both of you to be human.
With care for the spark under the laundry,
Curious Christie
Ms. Resilient offers her perspective using Dovetail Learning’s approach:
Dear Still Into Him, Just Very Tired,
Christie highlighted the Connecting Skill of Speaking Authentically.
Christie gently shifts the focus away from solving the logistics problem and toward having an honest conversation about what is happening in your relationship right now. Speaking Authentically means sharing what is true for you without blame, shame, or demands. It sounds less like, “Why aren’t we connecting anymore?” and more like, “I miss us. I still want you. I’m also exhausted. Can we figure this out together?”
Christie also normalizes the Cultural Pattern many parents carry that says good parents should always put their children’s needs first and their relationship second. While children’s needs are important, healthy families benefit when parents protect their connection to one another. Making space for your marriage is not selfish; it is part of caring for the family as a whole. When you are thinking about how to meet the needs of your kids, remember that one of the best gifts you can give your children is happily married parents.
But intimacy is broader than a single outcome. In seasons like this one, connection may look different than it did before children. The goal is not perfection. It is staying emotionally connected while you navigate a demanding stage of life together.
The fact that you still find yourself thinking, “I miss us,” is actually a hopeful sign. It means the relationship is asking for attention, not sounding an alarm. Sometimes speaking that truth out loud is the first step toward finding each other again.
Warmly,
Ms. Resilient
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