Finding Belonging When You Feel Like the Odd Mom Out
Dear Curious Christie and Ms. Resilient,
“Is there a secret handbook for being the perfect new mom that everyone got except me? At my new moms group, all the other moms seem so confident, organized, and calm, while I’m over here googling "how to get spit-up out of your hair" between diaper changes.
I really thought joining a mom’s group would be a safe place to talk about how hard this is—because it is hard, even though it’s incredibly rewarding too. I mean, who else would understand what I’m going through better than other moms? But instead of feeling less alone, I find myself comparing everything: how much their babies are sleeping, how quickly they’re hitting milestones, how pulled-together everyone else seems while I feel like a hot mess most days.
I know logically that everyone struggles behind the scenes, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m already falling behind—or like I’m somehow missing a piece everyone else got.How do I stop beating myself up and actually find some joy in this messy, beautiful season?”
Send help,
~Feeling Like the Odd Mom Out
Dear Feeling Like the Odd Mom Out,
You are not broken, behind, or missing a handbook. You’re just a human being adjusting to the beautiful, chaotic, life-altering experience of new motherhood. And that, my friend, is no small thing.
You had such a beautiful instinct in seeking out community. You wanted a safe place to be real about how this season is both breathtakingly rewarding and bone-deep hard. And you’re absolutely right: no one understands that rollercoaster quite like other moms.
But here’s the thing nobody tells you: not every mom group will be your mom group. Sometimes, even among people who technically “get it,” the surface-level performance of perfection still sneaks in. Not because anyone’s trying to be fake—but because vulnerability is scary, and comparison can take over before connection even gets a chance to breathe.
That also doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re craving a real connection—the kind where you can admit you cried over a spilled bottle or celebrated making it through a day without Googling "is my baby broken." And you deserve that kind of community.
Sometimes, though, finding your people means being the brave one who speaks first. It might feel terrifying to say out loud, "Honestly, I’m struggling a little," or "Does anyone else feel like they're making it up as they go?" But I promise you: someone else is thinking the same thing.
You don’t need to perform for acceptance—you just need to be yourself. Messy, beautiful, tired, joyful, overwhelmed, resilient you.
With heart (and a very messy mom bun),
Curious Christie
P.S. If no one else says it today: you’re doing an amazing job!
Ms. Resilient offers her perspective using Dovetail Learning’s approach:
Dear Feeling Like the Odd Mom Out,
Christie’s response offers such compassionate reassurance because I know she and I have both felt like you when we were new moms. You’re in the middle of what most new parents experience: the pull toward comparison and the quiet stress it creates. It’s a powerful opportunity to practice Dovetail Learning’s Centering Skill of Positive Reframing.
Positive Reframing doesn’t mean pretending things are fine when they’re not. It means intentionally shifting how we view a situation so we can respond with more kindness, clarity, and choice. So it’s not denying that the mom group feels intimidating—it’s about choosing a new lens: “This isn’t about me being behind. This is about me seeking real connection in a space that isn’t quite the right fit yet.”
When we’re under stress—especially in unfamiliar or vulnerable settings—our brains may go into scan-and-compare mode. Our Protective Pattern of Hypervigilance may emerge: Am I measuring up? Do I belong? What am I doing wrong? It’s when we constantly monitor others for cues, read between the lines, and feel like we have to stay “on” to avoid judgment. And again—it’s a survival response, designed to protect us from vulnerability. But it can get in the way of truly connecting, especially when we start editing ourselves to match the room instead of finding spaces where we can be fully ourselves.
As Christie wisely pointed out, comparison isn’t proof of your failure. It’s a sign that you long for authenticity and resonance. That longing is not weakness—it’s wisdom.
So here’s a gentle reframe to carry with you:
✨ “It’s not that I’m failing—it’s that I haven’t found my space yet.”
✨ “Comparison is just a signal that I care about belonging.”
✨ “My vulnerability might be the very invitation someone else needs to exhale.”
You’re not alone, mama. You’re just human—and that is more than enough.
With tenderness and trust in your resilience,
Ms. Resilient 💛
What advice do you have for Feeling Like the Odd Mom Out? Share in the comments or send to ms@dovetaillearning.org and we may feature your answer in a future column.
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